Essay: I hope to return again and again…
I am considered a transsexual woman; it’s how mainstream understands or rather misunderstands my gender. Yes, I was born with a penis and raised as a boy. But, I knew from the start that I was not a boy…if anything I was a girl born with a penis, but that is something most people just can’t imagine. It made my entire childhood very sad because I didn’t understand why I was born the way I was. I eventually believed it was a deformity, a birth defect. All I wanted was to be normal.
Now, having gone through physical and social transitions, I believe I was born just fine. Being “transsexual” is not a birth defect or a deformity in any way. What makes it “bad” is just that society denies an equal place or understanding for us. Historically in many cultures, there are histories, spiritual traditions, cultural roles, of “transsexual” people; but it is most often greatly suppressed, especially, as Christianity and western power influence have come to the fore of cultural imagination.
This masculine domination and feminine subjugation has created a gross schism in humanity, dividing people into only one of two acknowledged genders – and making that delineation based upon the perceived genitalia of infants. And that is where the real hurt begins; especially for anyone who cannot easily conform to the physical, emotional or spiritual ideology of males and females – and therefore, to have to grow up believing you are alone and a freak in the world, devoid of history, devoid of acceptance. Being denied your very self!
Now, I am very proud to be transsexual. And I feel being transsexual is a very special gift! At the highest level of my spiritual being, I believe I choose this experience to be a bridge between men and women – to remind them of their shared humanity. Truly men and women are not so different from one another, and I am a living proof of that.
Still, most men and women do not want to acknowledge me or anyone like me, and at worst, often want to denigrate me as a freak and unnatural. Some would even go so far as to say that my body is a curse, a kind of bad karma as if a punishment to me.
But I tell you this, if there truly is another life for me, and I am only given a choice to be either a man or a woman – I hope I return again and again a transsexual.
– nikki lee
(Image credit: From Pixabay.Com)